For the Love of Margaret.

By MGG

June

I want to marry Margaret Thomas and live with her forever. Every hour of the day now I’m thinking about her like she’s moved into my head. She’s beautiful. More like an elf than a girl because apart from being really thin and quiet, she has the whitest skin I’ve ever seen. I’m white too but she’s whiter. And sometimes she’s sad. I can tell.

In English Lit I sit right behind her but I haven’t managed to speak to her yet. I want to but girls don’t speak to boys like me.

I heard Kassim tell Gino that in the holidays he went out with her for a few days but dumped her because she wouldn’t do it and he only goes out with girls that do. What a wanker. He and Gino have been working out together and so now because they’ve got a few muscles they both think they’re it.

July

Kassim was telling everyone today that in three months he’s going to have a six pack stomach. Diana Barnett said she loves guys with hard stomachs. I can’t stand her. Just because she’s got an alright body she thinks all the boys want to go out with her. I don’t want to go out with her. I want to go out with Margaret. Last night I dreamt that Margaret was here and that I was holding her. It was one of those really real dreams. So real that when I woke up I wondered where she’d got to.

Dad called. He can’t make this Saturday either. He has to train. He’s got a new bike. An Ellsworth. He told me that it’s made out of carbon fibre and is so light he can pick it up with just one finger.

August

In English Lit today Mrs Gill got Margaret to read out a poem she’d written. The poem was about a girl who used her own bones to make herself into a kite before waiting on her roof for the wind to blow and then Gino burped and Margaret didn’t get to finish reading it out because everyone was laughing and by the time Mrs Gill managed to get them to stop the bell had gone.

It was my birthday today. Margaret wasn’t at school again. In Maths one, while waiting for Mr Ung who was late, Kassim stood on his chair and told everyone that they should all chip in and get me a life’s membership to Jenny Craig. Everyone laughed as usual. Sometimes I hate being me.

While we were having dinner I asked Mum if she could help me lose some weight but she got really angry and said what are you talking about? You’re not fat. She said we’re just a big family and if I started worrying about my weight all the time I’d end up like my father. Later though, she came into my room, sat on the end of my bed and said perhaps I should start should walking to school instead of her driving me there all the time. Then she said she might start walking there with me as well. Then she went all quiet again and while she was quiet I told her how I felt about Margaret because I wanted to ask her what she thought would be a good thing for me to say but before I could ask that she started hugging me like crazy and kept telling me how gorgeous I was.

September

It was really warm today and so Gino and Kassin took off their shirts during the lunch break. They were pretending to practice bowling but all they were doing was showing off. They just think they’re so good. They’re not. They’re dickheads.

Margaret was at school today. I should have talked to her but the only time I had a chance to was when she

was sitting outside the library writing something. She’s always writing in these little notepads. Perhaps instead of saying something stupid to her I should just ask her what she’s writing about.

October

In biology Jackie Thompson kept talking about how sexy Kassim was then Matti Despot told her the only reason his body is like that is because he takes steroids. I don’t like Kassim either but Matti really shouldn’t go around saying things like that. It’s not right.

I can’t believe it Kassim does take steroids. Gino told us and then he said he takes them too. He told us he gets them from his brother who manages a gym in Coburg and he wanted to know if we wanted to buy some. He even showed us one. It was small and yellow. Matti said that they were stupid to take them because they can kill you but Gino said that was bullshit. He said he’s been taking them for ages and he feels fine. Then he told me if I started taking the pills and exercising that I could lose a heap of weight by Christmas.

Today I used the money Nana gave me for my birthday to buy two weeks worth of pills from Gino. He told me I had to take one in the morning and then exercise straight away. I’ve got to do fifty push ups, fifty sit ups and then lift weights. I told him I don’t have any weights, so he told me to lift phone books instead.

If I see Dad this weekend I will ask him if he has some weights.

Feel good. Have started working at the McDonalds in the Glen to get money for more tablets.

Everyday this week I have walked to school.

Mum told me this morning that she’s really proud of me for getting a job.

November

Everyday on the way to school I pass this bus-stop that has a poster of a male model wearing a watch. Not his face just his chest and wrist and a jag watch. That’s what I want to look like. His body not the watch.

Have started rotating my workouts. I’m concentrating on my Pectorals, abs, obliques, deltoids and my arms and legs.

Have lost five kilos. Mum took me shopping today because all of my pants are too big for me now. While we were there she asked me what I was doing with all the money I was earning. I told her I was saving up to buy a car. I can’t believe she believed me.

December

Holidays. Am a bit sad today because I know I probably won’t see Margaret again until next term but that’s okay because next year I am going to start going out with her. You watch.

Christmas day.

Dad bought me some weights. Cool. I showed him how I’ve been working on my tan. He was really impressed. This weekend we’re going to the beach together.

January

First day of school tomorrow. Am really excited. Gino told me that he heard that Margaret liked me. Am going to ask her out first thing.

February

Have been going out with Margaret now for a whole month. Every Monday and Tuesday night I have been going over to her house to watch videos. She just lives with her Dad since her Mum died in a car accident. Her Dad works for Qantas loading bags. He seems alright. My Dad’s got a better body though.

In her bedroom she has all these black and white posters on the wall of someone called James Done. He used to be a movie star until he was killed in a plane crash or something. I told her when I first went there that she should put up a poster of The Rock. Tonight I showed her how I could almost kick as high as Van Damme.

After school today I got Margaret to rub oil into my chest so that my tan doesn’t peel. I’ve been trying to get her to lay in the sun too but she says it’s too cold. She’s always cold. Most days she wears like three other tops under her jumper. I only wear a t-shirt and sometimes I find that too warm.

March

Gino and Kassim keep asking me if I’ve done it with her yet. I told them today that I had. Now I’m going to have to . I don’t know how to go about it though. She really likes to be hugged. Sometimes she falls asleep while I’ve got my arm around her but if I try to touch her anywhere else she gets upset.

Yesterday she told me that she missed her Mum. Then she started crying.

April

Today me, Gino and Kassim went down to the skate park and we all took our tops off. It was a bit cold but I looked good. I know I did. Even Kassim nodded and he never nods at anyone. The other day he beat up Matti Despot and made his nose bleed. I don’t know why.

Margaret joined us there at the park and she told me to put my top back on. Diana Barnett was there too and she told me to leave it off. She said I looked so good she couldn’t believe it was me.

Margaret tried to tell me today that Diana Barnett is not a natural blond. That’s crap. She’s just jealous. Dyed hair is easy to pick.

Dad bought me a new bike. A mongoose. On the weekend we’re going riding together to work on our legs.

Today Dad and I rode almost sixty four kilometres.

May

Margaret and I are finished. I walked in on her this afternoon while she was having a shower. Gino told me to do it. He said once you’re in there and she’s naked she’ll be cool, but as soon as I pulled open the glass door she sat down under the water and tried to hide herself with her hands and kept screaming. After she got out she said she never wanted to see me again.

Margaret called me. She said she really, really missed me and then she read me out this really long poem she’d written about boxes. I think she loves me. Cool.

June

Was a nice day today and so this morning we went down to St Kilda and I took my top off. Margaret got annoyed as usual and wouldn’t hold my hand until I put it back on but then just as I was about to this photographer, Tim, gave me his card and asked me if he could take some photos of me. Am going down to his studio in Footscray on the seventeenth. How cool is that?

Margaret said he gave her the creeps. That’s only because he doesn’t want to take her photo.

Diana called me. I told her about my appointment with the photographer but she said she already knew about it. Then she asked me if she could come too. I called Tim up and he said maybe next time.

Kassim took me to see his cousin Raul, who’s a top hairdresser. He shaved all around the sides and the back of my head and then used wax to make it all spiky on top. I told him I wanted him to dye it blond like Diana’s but he said dark haired men had more depth.

While I was there Margaret called me up on my mobile. She was upset because she’d been dreaming of her Mum or something like that. It was hard to hear her properly because Raul had started blow-drying my hair.

Kassim reckons I should dump her.

The photograph session was really cool. Tim got me to rub this special oil all over my body that he said all the real models use to make their muscles stand out better. After we’d finished he told me I should think about getting an agent because there’s a lot of work out there for good looking kids.

Afterwards I went to Diana’s house and once I’d washed off the oil I told her what he’d said and then we did it in her bed. Her Mum and Dad were out so she said we were safe. I didn’t have a condom so Diana told me just to pull out before I came. Sex wasn’t as good as I thought it’d be. It only lasted for about a minute or so but then now I think of it it wasn’t that bad either.

July

Diana said I should drop Margaret. She reckons she’s too weird for me. I’m thinking about it. Diana has a really good body. Even if she does dye her hair.

Mum got really upset when she saw the photographs. She said if she knew I was only going to be wearing bathers she would never have let me go in the first place. She wanted to call Tim but I told her not to. Lately she’s always on my fucking back. She keeps telling me how much I‘ve changed. Finally, just to shut her up, I punched my bedroom door and cracked it. I couldn’t believe it. One punch. Did she freak or what? She even tried to slap me but I ducked and she missed. I told her if she wanted to catch me she’d have to lose some fucking weight first. No wonder Dad left her. I’d like to leave her too.

I wish I could live with Dad.

August

Have been staying with Dad since Thursday. He’s put a bed in his spare room and tomorrow we’re gonna cycle down to Frankston. He said he’s gonna buy us each a speedometer for our bikes so we can keep track of how far we’ve ridden and our fastest speed.

Today me and Diana went down to Galatis models in Prahran. I was a bit shy at first but the woman who interviewed us, Sue, said she reckoned she’d have no problem getting us some catalogue work. I’m going to get my three hundred and fifty dollars to her this weekend so that she can get started on my portfolio straight away.

October

My first modelling job. “Dudes Male Clothing Catalogue made six hundred.’

The photo shoot took three hours and I made three hundred and fifty dollars. Straight afterwards I went into the city with Dad and bought a pair of Arnette sunnies that look really cool.

November

Diana called me up again. She’s upset because she’s still waiting for some modelling work. She might get some but then there’s a lot of good looking girls around. A lot of them are taller than her too. I didn’t tell her that.

Then Margaret called me up a bit later after that. She wanted me to come over to her place and watch The Sixth Sense. But why should I? I’ve already seen it twice and when I’m there all she wants me to do is sit on the couch and hold her.

December

Me and Gino and Kassim have started injecting Duratamoxifen. I don’t like the injections much but even after a week I can see results.

Weighed myself today on Dad’s new digital scales. I am now a third lighter than when I started.

January

Mum picked me up from work and told me not only to come back and live with her but that she wants me to start seeing this psychiatrist so that I can learn to start dealing with whatever it is that keeps getting me so angry. Me angry? Fuck. She’s the one who’s always fucking arguing.

Dad wants to get me a new agent. He reckons Galatis models are crap and that a good agent could get me some work doing some ads on the telly and even maybe get me an audition for Neighbours or even Home and Away. Cool.

February

Margaret phoned me up today. I hadn’t heard from her in ages. She wanted to know whether I could come over. I told her if she wants to see me then that’s fine, no worries, if I could get the time I would, but then if I did, she’d have to give back something as well. Later she called me back and said okay. I’m gonna go over there this Friday after I get back from the gym.

Dad reckons I don’t need to see a psychiatrist. He reckons Mum’s just over-reacting as she always does. He reckons I should just start learning karate instead. That way I can learn to channel my energy better. He’s been really good lately. Especially since Mum’s been so fucking off. Personally I reckon if it wasn’t for him I’d be much more worried about going to court. But he’s right. Why should I be worried? It’s not like I’m going to see her again. Let her get a hundred restraining orders against me if she wants. And like Kassim says, in a way she was asking for it. I mean she was the one who said yes. I wouldn’t have gone over there in the first place if I knew she was going to change her mind. There I am naked in her bedroom and suddenly she says no. And Jesus, it’s not like I raped her. Why would I want to do that anyway? She’s disgusting. Underneath her clothes her skin’s like yellow.

Fine I said. Don’t do it. I don’t want to do it with you anyway. And so what does she do? There I am bending down to pull up my dacks and she tells me I’ve got love handles. I mean shit, I only have them when I bend. Everyone has them when they bend. It’s natural. It’s not fat. When I stand up I haven’t got them at all. Just because she’s so skinny. And anyway, it’s not like I broke her nose.

Michael Gray Griffith